Waiting in Limbo for… : Awake at 2am in Kingston city

I’m looking for my voice…

My vice? My vision? My validity? Vagina…?

Value…the word is value, that’s what I was looking for.

A friend of mine says I use that word a lot thou…”vagina”, my favorite word is pum pum (I’m Jamaican and I just love how it rolls off the tongue, no pun intended) the word just fascinates me really…it just sounds invasive but potent or should I say enveloping?

Rather I really like the reaction you get when you slip it into a conversation, especially randomly…the uncomfortable delight.

I’m in limbo…I’ve been here enough times to recognize the furniture that’s floating around me…ahh…I know that arm chair! 

Surprisingly it’s comforting to me.

Now I’m going to say something that that some people don’t expect from me with all my cynicism and skeptic views.

It’s comforting because it’s always before a next step, and my track record has shown a lot of forward steps…thou this could be classified as a step backward as I’ve been in limbo a lot of times before, but I think it’s more of a circle.

Well more of a infinite loop where you have an option to change out the square tiles along the path…indefinitely.
So limbo a state of uncertainty or a place or state of neglect or oblivion.

Is it that place where you are waiting for something to happen, someone to show up, gather the courage, information to move on or back? Where you’re just up in the air, with no solid footing…with little or no control in what direction you are going…going… well you are going somewhere…in a direction, this might not be where you want to go…but you are moving.

So why are people afraid or uncomfortable with being in limbo?
Maybe it’s observatory skills where I just sit, wait and watch for something to interest me, but I don’t feel that uncomfortable in limbo. Thou they are times when it gets real quiet and it’s 3:34 in the morning, you turn your second monitor off, log off YouTube/Netflix, close down your computer screen and lay in a semi cool room after a rainy day, partially wrapped in a comforter because out of practices I won’t get into bed naked and in socks. 😁

You stare into a dark gray room…it’s not fully pitch black as they are little light pockets here and there; a phone light flashing, a speaker reminding you that music soothes the savages beasts in your mind, I’m just a click away.

Street lights peaks in from a cracked window alerting you to listen…

They are dogs barking faintly…they are cars…they are streets…they are people gathering, they are the allure of half naked women pulsating to music as we…type.

But I’m here…alone, by choice but alone none the less.

This reminds you of;

Your relationship status…

Your financials…

Your career…

Your family (blood & bonded), how much more you want to help…

The family you don’t have…

The friends you miss…

The missed friendships… 

You beg for a distraction…is this too much?

Does the fear of uncertainty…or the solace of finding the answers that;

Maybe you’re not good enough…

Maybe there is something wrong with you.

Maybe this is all you have to give? 

Maybe this is not your path?

Maybe they left because of you…

Maybe you are hard to be around 

The maybes…

I guess that’s why people are not that fond of limbo.
But as I said, It does fill me with a familiar hope

Transitions, moving on, moving forward learning to be more confident in your next steps, as you get used to them.
I laid in bed from 5 oclock this evening, sleeping half, awake half, avoiding the rest…
But mostly waiting…for the next tic of the clock or my next step?


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